


saviour of self-defense

by kousanoes



Category: Moon Land (Manga)
Genre: (technically?), (until canon proves me wrong wrt akira's personality lol), Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, POV Second Person, anyway the father dogase sucks and that's on that, seriously underedited dont look @ me, yes i purposely played around with the dialogue tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:01:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25767850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kousanoes/pseuds/kousanoes
Summary: "Even if you have talent or aptitude, it won’t mean anything if you can’t achieve results in competitions. In gymnastics, results are everything." —Dogase Yoshikazu, chapter 69.Akira on talent, freedom, and his father.
Relationships: Dogase Akira & Dogase Yoshikazu, Dogase Sakura & Dogase Akira
Comments: 4
Kudos: 3





	saviour of self-defense

**Author's Note:**

> _So my savior of self-defense taught me to sing what I can't say_ \- Sara Bareilles, Little Voice
> 
> please talk to me about Moon Land

Drowning. Drowning is a good way to put it. 

You feel like you’re drowning.

Sometimes your chest is heavy and sometimes it’s hard to breathe. Sometimes it feels as though there is a weight strapped across your chest, acting against every inhalation. 

It happens most often the days following competitions. You’re not sure if it’s from overexertion or simply stress from Dad berating you and Sakura on the drive back home, no matter how well either of you perform. 

But you don’t say much about it and nobody thinks much of it. You know there’s no point in extrapolating this into something bigger, into something like an _issue_ because it’s _not_. If you look it up on your own time, so what? It feels like you're drowning under the expectations of your father—of your family, of your audience, of your _brother_. 

When push comes to shove, and it is your turn to compete, you hide it all away. Out of sight, out of mind. There is no need to compare yourself against your brother or other similarly talented athletes. Results are everything, or so Dad always says. Now, results, you can achieve. 

Besides, Dad does enough comparing for the whole family. 

Sakura is gifted. To you, that is an indisputable fact. He has a way around the world that you could only dream of, fine control over his limbs and the way he floats midair. He’ll be a menace to compete against once he grows into himself, you think. 

Dad, of course, does not understand this. He doesn’t even try. You wonder, for a fleeting second: is there a world in which he is wrong?

No, no—put that thought aside. You do what he tells you to do. You practice how he tells you to, and you win medals like he tells you to. But thoughts can't stay hidden for long; amidst the gold, there is no holding back the one that slips its way out, unbidden: isn’t it all for naught if you have no freedom? 

As you age, the drowning only grows. As you age, resentment builds up against Dad. He, strict as ever, demands something akin to perfection. 

As you age, you can only stand back, helplessly, as your love for the sport leaves you. You don’t quit, obviously, because talent be damned, gymnastics is something you’re good at. Now, results are something you can achieve. 

Sakura, however. Sakura, for all Dad’s barbs and rebukes, still holds a passion for the sport. He tells you, stars in his eyes, about the light he sees as he flies. 

So when push comes to shove, and it's Sakura's turn to compete, you tell your father: Sakura can do it. 

You turn and tell your brother: Don’t cut the Tkatchev. Do it the way you want to.

To an outsider, it would sound like encouragement, or foolish belief in your talented younger brother. You know better: it is a silent plea. You don’t have to do what Dad says. 

In the end, it doesn’t matter. You’re cowards, the both of you, and the team loses. 

And because you’re a coward, you run away to Kanaudai. It’s not a breath of fresh air, not exactly. Talent still surrounds you. There is still expectation. But at least, you think, there isn’t your father. There is a different kind of freedom, in Kanaudai.

Sakura wants to go to Kanaudai, too. Why, you want to ask. Why come to Kanaudai? He can find freedom in gymnastics, he doesn’t need to look elsewhere. In the end, you decide it doesn't matter; if Kanaudai accepts him, so be it. 

That changes, however, the moment you return home over break. You're in his room, egging him on over something stupid, when he changes the topic and and flings the very words you left to avoid at you. 

The words tumble out of your mouth without a second thought: I don’t need you. I don’t need you on my team.

It's selfish, yes, but true nonetheless. You've won one national championship without him, and you can do it again.

But you know, you were just running away then. See, you’re not sure what kind of freedom Kanaudai gives you, other than being _away_ , because it’s not really a shock when Coach tells you the same words that you've long since memorized: there’s no meaning in talent and aptitude alone. 

Then come the words you have long since known: results are everything. 

See, Dad is always right. And if that is something Sakura understood before you did, the truth about these words, because you were too hung up on not-quite-breathing and a lack of theoretical freedom, well.

And because this is your last year in high school, because you're losing, you decide it’s about time to stop running away. Talent or no talent, you will use gymnastics to grab hold of victory. Results will speak your freedom into existence. With that thought in mind, you take hold of the parallel bars. 

**Author's Note:**

> "Even without any blessings from heaven, I can shine by attaining victory." —Dogase Akira, chapter 69. 
> 
> aa this fic sure got away from me. it still feels a bit all over the place for my liking, but oh well. come find me on [tumblr](https://kousanoes.tumblr.com)!


End file.
